


It's been a long night without your smile

by BlissfulBethx



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies), Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: Big Brother Peter Parker, Depressed Peter Parker, Hurt Peter Parker, Minor Pepper Potts/Tony Stark, POV Peter Parker, Parent Tony Stark, Peter Parker Needs a Hug, Peter Parker grieving, Peter Parker is a Mess, Peter Parker saying goodbye to Tony, Post-Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Pre-Spider-Man: Far From Home (Movie), Precious Peter Parker, Suicidal Peter Parker, Tony Stark Feels, tony stark is dead
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-17
Updated: 2019-07-17
Packaged: 2020-06-30 06:31:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,235
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19847506
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlissfulBethx/pseuds/BlissfulBethx
Summary: TRIGGER WARNING - Mentions of suicide/suicidal thoughts.Peter has been visiting Tony every night on the roof since he left. Sometimes, he wants to jump. But then he remembers all the reasons to stay.And so, he says goodbye to Tony.Summary isn't great but there is lot's of feels in this one. Grab tissues, it's sad :(





	It's been a long night without your smile

**Author's Note:**

> I WANT TO SAY ONCE MORE THAT THERE IS MENTIONS OF SUICIDE/HINTS OF SUICIDAL THOUGHTS IN THIS FIC. PLEASE DO NOT FEEL PRESSURED TO READ IF THESE TOPICS MAKE YOU FEEL UNSAFE, ANXIOUS OR UNCOMFORTABLE.
> 
> Okay, now that you're sure you are comfortable enough to read, I hope you enjoy (actually, it would be kinda weird if you enjoy this one lmao) 
> 
> Onto the fic!

His brown orbs gazed into his mine from across the road. We were both so high up, both so close to the sky. One jump and maybe I could have reached him. Not the spray-painted version on the wall, but the real him, up in heaven. Just one leap up. I probably wouldn’t even register my body slamming into the concrete below. It was tempting, the urge to throw myself off grew stronger every night. The rational part of my brain told me to stop going there, but I couldn’t help it. Every night I ended up there. It was like clockwork. I always found my way back to him…or maybe it was that he always found his way back to me.

Not anymore. Not since he left.

Morgan didn’t understand. She still asked when her daddy was coming home. I could see Pepper’s heart break a little more every time. I had taken to answering for her after the first few times. I think she appreciated it, but she almost always left the room with shining eyes before Morgan could ask any more. It was tough, it was always going to be tough. I just wished he had more time with her, with the both of them. With me.

That’s what kept me on the roof. Every night, when the sobs wracked my body so hard it hurt, they’re what stopped me from falling apart. Pepper, Morgan, Happy, Aunt May, MJ, Ned. My friends. My family. I couldn’t leave them. Not when I knew all too well how devastating losing someone was.

I barely even knew Morgan then. All those years I was away, Tony had built a home and a family. He risked it all to save us, save me. He gave up everything he had for us. For me.

I hated him for it. Sometimes I would chuck the loose stones on the roof at his face and just scream. How dare he leave us. How dare he give it all up. For me, for me of all people. It wasn’t fair. I didn’t deserve that. He shouldn’t have sacrificed himself. It wasn’t fair. None of this was fair. The anger would eat me up until I was completely engulfed in rage. It would take me hours to calm down or more often than not use up the little energy I had left. Then I all I could do was apologise.

Other times I sat on the edge and I would tell him everything he had missed. Like Morgan learning to ride her bike, Pepper accidently smashing the blue dish at family dinner, Happy yelling extremities at stupid teen racers on the road. The little things. And, most of the time, I would hear Tony laugh in response. It would be so beautiful I would weep.

For the majority of the time though, I would lie on the edge and gaze up at the stars. They would be littered across the sky every night, like somebody had taken a handful of moondust and chucked it onto an inky black canvas. Tears would stream silently down my face as I watched them twinkle and shine down on me. I liked to think that Tony was making them wink at me. Perhaps to make me laugh or to stop me crying. He wouldn’t want me to cry over him every night. He wouldn’t want me to cry at all.

I wanted to be strong, I wanted so desperately to be okay again. For Pepper and Morgan and Aunt May and everyone. I wanted it so bad my chest ached. Tony would have understood. God, I missed him.

I wanted him home. I wanted him there with me. I wanted to be with him in his lab; altering my suit or eating takeout or talking about Star Wars. I wanted him alive. Not a day went by where I didn’t long for him to be alive again.

Without fail, every night, I would glance down to the dark abyss of the dirty, abandoned New York city alleyway, and I would consider finding him. Being with him again. And without fail every time, I could almost _feel_ his hands on my shoulders, pulling me back. Begging for me to stay. He gave his life up for me. What kind of person would I be if I threw mine away?

So, most of all, he kept me on the roof. He kept me sane. Even when he was gone, he was still saving me. I wished I had the chance to save him. I suppose I did…but I was too late. I was too late.

It’s been six months since you left Tony. People say grief eases with time but the aching in my chest has only gotten stronger. I don’t know how to go on without you Tony. I don’t know how anybody could. Everyone has left; my mom, my dad, my uncle. I always worried about May or Ned leaving because of me, but I never thought you would leave too. You’re Iron Man. You’re invincible. You’re my hero. I thought you could do anything.

Tonight is my last night, it has to be. I want to apologise but I think you’re sick of me doing that. You’ll be happy that I’m moving on, or that I’m trying to move on. I’m trying Tony, I really am.

Morgan told me the other day that she loved me 3000, I have a feeling that’s something you used to tell her? It’s cute. She’s cute. No, she’s amazing, she’s your daughter after all. She thinks I’m her big brother, she calls me Spidey. Thanks for that nickname by the way.

Pepper is worried about me. Then again, Pepper is always worried about me. I wish she wasn’t, she has enough to worry about as it is. I’m fine, anyway. I’m strong, like I need to be. For them, and for you. I’m just trying to make you proud Tony. Am I doing a good job? I don’t think I’ll ever live up to you. Nobody will. You saved the entire universe.

You saved me.

The sun is coming up now. You once told me that you loved sunrise. All the colours blending together, the dawn of a new day. I thought it would be fitting to stay until sunrise this last time. I hope that’s okay Tony. I can’t keep coming here, I think the next time I do… I won’t be able to stay on the roof.

I love you Tony. I love you so much. I can’t wait to see you again, some day. We can watch the sunrise together and you can make me your famous cheeseburgers…that’s all Morgan talks about sometimes. I’ll get to see Ms. Romanoff too…tell her thank you for me. She saved me as well, and I bet she’s keeping you company up there. I hope you got to meet my parents and my uncle, I already know they’ll love you. I can’t wait to see them again either. Say hello for me. Tell them I love them.

I should go now, you would freak if I missed school to be here.

Goodbye Tony. Thank you for everything. I’ll try to be strong. I’ll try to make you proud. You will always be my hero. I’ll see you soon.

I love you dad. I love you. 

**Author's Note:**

> Oof. I'm sorry. I don't even know where I got the inspiration to do that. It sorta just happened. 
> 
> Thanks for all the support, it means so much.
> 
> I love you all 3000.


End file.
